


Not That Heart

by astarsdarkheart



Series: Glass Candles [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: (i already feel like i'm overtagging), (i do not need this many tags to get the point across but oh well), Aroace Luke Skywalker, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Asexual Luke Skywalker, Coming Out, Demisexual Anakin Skywalker, Demisexual Character, Gen, aroace character, background oc because i was too lazy to look up a real character, romance repulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 15:59:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9664460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astarsdarkheart/pseuds/astarsdarkheart
Summary: Sometimes, life is more stressful than it should be, for reasons that Luke doesn't always figure out at once. Explaininghowthe problem is a problem can be long-winded and hard, after all. But every once in a while, someone understands more than expected.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is self-indulgent headcanon fluff-adjacent nonsense about aroace Luke at its core. I just slapped some dialogue, a sequence about romance repulsion being a pest and someone else's headcanon about demisexual Anakin that I happened to like on it. I was meaning to make more reference to Padme being pan (according to another headcanon that I saw in tandem with the Anakin one) but it didn't really happen. As you do.  
> For reference's sake, this takes place post-ROTJ, during the sieges of Naboo. Nominally so, at any rate. I'm not familiar with the EU stuff detailing that part of the canon, so I may have gone countertextual by accident for all I know. Perils of relying on Wookieepedia for all information about an event.

In a more peaceful time, Theed might well have been a city as calm and beautiful as the Alderaan that Leia had known before the first Death Star had arrived, but Luke's journey through the streets was hampered – several times to the point of stopping dead as someone cut in front of him – by both humans and Gungans in various degrees of battle readiness. He thought he saw Evaan in the crowd at one point, but she vanished before he could be sure. Maybe that was just as well. He wasn't up to dealing with anyone but his sister and Han at the moment.

Queen Soruna's palace still seemed a little too gleaming to be welcoming, but he was a Jedi Knight and leading figure in the Alliance, these days. There was no need to feel nervous walking up the steps.

“Skywalker!”

Oh. So it was Evaan he'd seen. “Good evening, Evaan.”

“Why the long face?” she asked as she jogged up the steps, movement hampered by the bulky, overlarge pilot's suit she wore. Luke had to sigh and shake his head as he looked her up and down.

“Nothing important. You should see if you can get a new suit.”

She pulled a face as she tugged at the baggy trouser of the orange gear. “Everyone's so busy, I'd hate to ask right now. I sneezed in the middle of a meeting a couple of days ago and Leia looked about to bite my head off.”

“Really?”

She shrugged. “She was in the middle of expounding on the blunders of the Imperials and the exact way in which the Corona Squadron should deal with that problem, and when she's in that sort of mood... Had Alderaan survived, she'd have been something else as their Queen.”

He nodded and let out a long breath. Words of any sense were slow to come at the moment. “Queen Soruna seems taken with her.”

“Don't blame her. Queen Breha mentored me too; I think I have a pretty good idea what she might have taught Leia.” Evaan grinned as she brushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen forward from the loose updo. “You've been out and about longer than usual today. Anything that required your attention in particular?”

“I needed to find Shara. I'm going to have to leave in a few days' time on a private task.”

“Private, huh?” But she seemed to decide in a split second that she wouldn't push further. “Good luck with that. I should run by the hangar another time.”

Luke nodded and waited for a moment on the steps as she dashed off, before sighing and turning back towards the palace. There was no need for this... emptiness. There hadn't been an Imperial ship sighting for four days, and thus far there didn't seem to be any obstacles to the mission he'd spoken to Shara about. On a planet under siege, this was about as much calm as he could expect. He'd been in much worse positions during the last four years. And yet, stepping past the threshold felt like wading through a grimy pond.

Where would Leia be at this time? It was getting late, but she could work well into the night. There'd be someone around that he could ask. The handmaidens kept good track, although he could never help but worry that he'd end up stopping Queen Soruna herself if he asked any of them for help, for all that she didn't need to hide at the moment.

One of them appeared from a corridor as he stood pondering in the middle of the hallway. That position seemed to be eccentric enough to draw her attention to him. “Master Skywalker?”

“Oh.” He'd seen her coming. There was no cause to be surprised. “Have you seen Leia?”

The handmaiden nodded. “She said she'd be returning to her quarters.”

“Thank you.” All he needed to do was catch her up on a few minor details. He could check if she was receiving, at least. Just plodding through the halls until he could finish that up. Then back to his own quarters, maybe tap out a few notices – he'd have to let people know he was leaving before long – a few drills just to ease his mind. Not that he should have been wound up over anything in particular, but thoughts came through a fog. Once the handmaiden was out of sight behind him, he slowed a few paces and rubbed at his eyes, then tugged his jacket into place.

Just Leia, and maybe Han. Nothing to worry about. He took a deep breath that rasped against a roughness in his throat without cause.

Full of life, this place. Naboo was a verdant world, rich with secret paradises and glowing sparks in the Force, life forms who lived in a place that had held much of its spirit through years of Imperial militarisation. Beautiful colours under a now rosy sky. Since the Alliance had arrived, the taint of the Dark Side – the taint that seemed to follow even the least sensitive of Imps like the pallor of spice withdrawal – had almost vanished, and now he had to look for it. Even deep in meditation it slipped around the edges of his perception. The polished stone floors were cold nonetheless, for all the mellow satisfaction that the contented Force delivered.

Sometimes the echoing sound of his footsteps met other echoes in the corridors, but it was dark enough that activity was muted, much of it hurrying scuffles as people rushed to finish tasks procrastinated before Leia found out. Sometimes Luke found himself looking back at his own childhood and wishing that Leia could have had something like it. A Senator at sixteen, and already part of the rebellion. He'd thought his life boring, but the weight of other people's lives on shoulders that could give way any moment... that was a weight to challenge his father's cooling bulk as Luke had done his best to drag the Emperor's sword away from the exploding heart of the Empire. Someone burst out in raucous guffawing behind a door that stood ajar. He didn't pause to investigate.

Leia had left her own door open – or, more likely, someone else had left it open while visiting – so he pushed it wider and took a cautious step into the front room. A heady floral scent from a Naboo-native flower he couldn't recall the name of made him blink as the intense aroma caught up to him.

“... not ready to let her fly alone, for much the same reason that Admiral Ackbar -” Leia looked up from her conversation with Han and Venka. “Luke.”

He nodded and pushed the door shut behind him, making a conscious effort to straighten his back. He needed those drills. Too much trying to duck and dart around people in the busy streets. “Good evening.”

Venka jumped to hir feet. “Commander!”

“As you were.” He bit back the sigh and seated himself on the edge of the remaining chair around the table, hand on his lightsabre to prevent it falling between his hip and the armrest. Leia had set up a map and several holo-images, including the new propaganda piece that someone had taken off an Imp the last time they'd landed on Naboo. The backwards Aurebesh was difficult to read, but a quick scan suggested that it had something to do with needing to protect Naboo from the ravages of a rebellion intent on feeding its own fire at the cost of everything that might surround it. “I found Shara. She seemed sceptical, but she'll help, unless you give her contradictory orders.”

As Venka collapsed back into hir seat with a grateful but soon banished smile, Han chuckled and slung an arm over the back of his chair. “You sure you don't want the Falcon? They'll manage without me for a little while, and in any case Chewie's getting twitchy.”

Luke shook his head, forcing a polite smile. “The Imps know it too well.”

“And I need you here, Han,” Leia cut in, turning a sharp sideways look at Han, who shrugged by reflex, though the grin seemed to grow softer for a moment. Luke bit together and took as deep a breath as he could manage without noise. His ribcage clutched his heart tight for a moment, and it took the thud of a slow pulse in his ears to bring him back to the dim-lit sitting room that might as well have been an office, for all that Leia had a proper one closer to the front of the palace. “Someone's got to persuade the Gungans to try their hands at flying fighters.”

“Leading random life forms isn't my strong point, Princess.” Han could only manage so much by way of attitude when Leia looked at him like that. Predictable as the rise and set of twin suns.

“You're a scoundrel. They find you interesting.”

Venka observed the not-quite-bickering couple with hir face somewhere between bemused and amused, before turning to Luke with a helpless shrug.

He took another deep breath. “It'll be two days before I can leave. If the Imps make another attack, I'll stay to help, but I'd rather not delay longer than I have to.”

Leia turned away from Han to nod. “I'll make sure to release Shara from her duties here as long as you need her.”

“I'll make the trip as brief as I can, but I don't know how long it will take.” He was chasing a rumour, one with considerable backing, one that _felt_ right, but a rumour nonetheless. It'd take time to substantiate the story, let alone to find anything.

“Try not to murder each other.” Han grinned.

Luke shook his head. That he could smile at, despite the hollow inside a tight chest.

“If you'd clear this away, Venka. We can resume in the morning.” Leia pushed a few of the holo-images closer together, making edges flicker and blur as they collided with each other.

Venka nodded and rose to hir feet, a large case in one hand. Ze scooped the holo-images together and stacked them inside the case, then tucked it under one arm and bent down to pick up the map. “Princess.”

Leia nodded, remaining upright in her chair until Venka had left the room, nudging the door shut as best ze could with a foot, then leaning across the armrest to settle her head on Han's shoulder. Han moved his arm to wrap it around her shoulders, dislodging several strands of hair from her bun. She mock-glared up at him. Mouth falling open in feigned indignation, he lifted his hand to brush the lock out of her eyes.

Luke bit together to prevent a sigh escaping him. The knot in his chest was familiar now. So that was what the inexplicable weariness was about.

“I can't help but feel that the Imps are holding off for a reason,” Leia murmured as her eyes shut. “Gathering their forces.”

“Or maybe they're just hoping you'll get impatient and start a fight first, lady,” Han suggested, winking at Luke over the top of Leia's head. Luke did his best to smile. He needed to get outside and do those drills before something cracked and revealed something that'd only upset the rebellion's poster couple, the princess and her scoundrel.

Leia opened her eyes, in order to roll them. “I'm sure Admiral Ackbar would have a few things to say about that.”

Han huffed out half a chuckle. “You want to stay for a game of Sabacc, Luke? Might help the lady calm down so she can get a bit of sleep now we've got a few hours' quiet.”

Luke shook his head and got to his feet, lightsabre knocking against his hip. “I need to do some drills, and then sleep. The journey out is going to be difficult with the blockade in the way.”

Leia nodded, dislodging more hair from her bun. She brushed it back behind her ear before Han could reach, giving him a coy look as he scoffed. “Take care, Luke.”

He nodded. “You too. Both of you.”

 

Several turns away from the entrance to Leia's quarters, the air whistled out of his lungs like a trapped desert breeze finding an open door. He stopped dead in the middle of the honey-marble corridor, folding in around the empty chill that not even the rushing power of the Force could fill.

Outside. Drills. He had to shake this. All it'd do was put him off. Now was not the time for that. He liked Shara, but he hadn't been given the impression that she'd... understand this part of him. If he could find it in him to love his father after everything Darth Vader did, there should have been room in his heart for all sorts.

But that wasn't how it worked. How could you explain that?

Thinking about it wouldn't help. The gardens would be quiet. Not much to do with Alliance planning happened there, and it was getting dark. He had another half hour or so before it'd be too dark to practise outside, but the chill would be friendlier than the stone, gleaming as it was, of the palace's interior.

And every Jedi before him knew that staying in a place filled with bad thoughts – however temporary those thoughts should have been – did not lead to peace of mind. He straightened out of his slump and pressed on. He had time yet.

The odd yellow bird that often perched outside his window made its ack-ack-ack call as the door to the palace proper swung shut behind him. Heavy as it was, it made little noise, just a faint thump as it closed that wouldn't be heard from any further away than the entrance. He turned left, towards the novelty maze of small trees. They weren't a perfect screen, but he didn't want complete isolation now, just a sheltered space. At times like this, the emptiness could be isolating enough.

He'd been mocked for his apparent heartlessness a lot on Tatooine. Biggs had demonstrated a sort of tolerance for Luke's confusion at the whole idea of wanting another person like a Hutt wanted water, but he'd never seemed to understand. Not that Luke could claim to have understood Biggs either, in that respect. Or his own feelings, at that point.

All the words and feelings he couldn't make sense of were things that Beru and Lars had suggested might make sense when he got older, though with guarded smiles and tired eyes. Things hadn't begun to make sense, and people had called him 'kid' for a long time.

He could understand it, in Han Solo's case. Though Han was still reluctant to give any more detail regarding his age than 'sure as a Hutt's revenge older than you, kid', he'd been on his own much longer than Luke had. Most of the people he'd meet at Tosche Station probably hadn't moved on from their gambling and vandalism in the area.

There were things about Tatooine he wanted to leave behind. But sometimes the nights seemed longer, the chill inside sharper, what other people called a void began to look like one.

All he could do was distract himself. He could do many of these drills in his sleep. The green lightsabre flickered in the air as he moved through the katas. His thoughts didn't need to be here. Just the living Force moving in and around him, the glow of a lightsabre blade he'd finished alone in a cave on Tatooine, motion in muscles gone stiff from tension and poor posture.

By the time he finished, it was dark enough that he could only just see his bionic right hand around the hilt of his lightsabre.

The blade vanished with its usual warm hum. He clipped it back onto his belt and took a careful step towards the nearest tree, hand out to make sure he didn't bump into it. The night wasn't that cold. He could wait for his eyes to adjust before making his way through the darkness back inside. The ack-ack-ack call sounded from somewhere beyond the trees around him. He tugged at the collar of his jacket as he looked around, waiting for shapes to materialise from the greyscale blur.

The Force shivered and coiled around a tree five paces away. No – just in front of it. His brows twitched. It was still a strain to pick out details. The air shimmered and flickered, a thin shadow of light strengthening and forming a familiar glowing outline.

“Father.” A smile broke as he stepped away from the tree.

Anakin bowed his head as he returned the smile. “My son.”

A remnant of fear still tickled at the back of Luke's mind at that phrase – he'd heard it in the booming voice of the Dragon of the Empire one too many times – but Anakin spoke with lighter tones now, softer than Luke had expected, echoing with the veil of the living Force giving the dead a chance to meet the living. He held himself with a reserve more tense than Obi-Wan's, something that would quicker turn explosive. Perhaps that was how Anakin Skywalker, the hero with no fear, had walked.

“You continue to fight.”

“The Empire's not dead yet.”

Anakin nodded, the smile fading. “My mas- the Emperor was... persuasive.”

“So is Leia. We'll push through before long.” At this point, 'before long' meant 'before I die', to Luke. Nonetheless. With the Emperor dead, the Empire was falling apart. Propaganda was inconsistent, plans piecemeal and uncoordinated.

The mention of his sister brought Anakin's wry smile flickering back. “She would do her mother proud.”

Padme Naberrie Amidala, one of Naboo's younger Queens, one of the planet's strongest. He'd learnt a lot from those on Naboo old enough to remember his mother as a Senator. Even as a Queen. He nodded, trying to restrain the sigh at the fleeting vision of Leia and Han together on the sofa. They were happy, and in principle that was enough for him. But watching people move through the world that way made him cold. “I'm sure she would.”

Anakin frowned as Luke shook himself, tilting his head to one side, spectre-grey eyes narrowing. “Something's troubling you.”

“Nothing that'll last.” Luke shook his head and forced a smile. Perhaps some echo of this quirk of his could be sensed in the Force, but he'd noticed nothing different in the many – so many _gone_ – people he'd met since joining the rebellion that resonated with that one singular tone, though he'd heard descriptions of the same remove from others, the same confusion.

Though Anakin's shimmering figure moved, he'd closed the space between them faster than mere motion could justify. Something dark flashed in the blue eyes that Luke had inherited as Anakin put a warm but weightless hand on his shoulder.

“Luke. It's troubling you.” Anakin shook his head. “Don't push it into darkness.”

He sighed and turned his head to let his gaze settle on the dark grey shape of a small animal that scampered away before he could make out enough of its form to identify it. “It's a weariness that comes and goes, stays a week or two and vanishes again.”

“You seem to know it well.” Anakin's hand fell, though the darkness behind his eyes didn't fade.

Luke shrugged and clasped his hands behind his back. “I've dealt with it for a long time.”

“Tell me.”

Was that a crack in his father's voice? Luke bit together as his mind stalled, then nodded. Anakin Skywalker had broken the Jedi code to marry. He'd brought down the Republic in a desperate bid to save the woman he loved. And Luke was about to explain not loving anyone that way to him? “I've never understood what people call love. Love for family and friends...”

“I know.” One corner of Anakin's mouth turned up.

Luke chuckled under his breath and nodded, gaze falling aside to the shrubbery as he went on. “But love like what Leia and Han share, that's something else. Not understanding got me mocked on Tatooine, so I didn't talk about it often. With the rebellion, there are more new faces....” And so many _gone_. “I've met people who are just as confused.” He broke off and shrugged. He had to hope his father's face wouldn't hold contempt, but he didn't dare look up yet. “It took me a long time to... find a way to talk about it. It was lonely at first.” He sighed, knuckles cracking as he wrung his hands together behind his back. “It still is, though not as much.”

Something chittered in the trees behind him. Though the world around him glittered with the ghostly lights of nocturnal creatures in the Force, the chill had settled in his flesh to the point where his skin didn't fit right. In the absence of other words, he went on, unsure where the explanation ended. “Sometimes the isolation and confusion is too much, it starts to show. I try not to let anyone know. It'd only upset Han and Leia if they knew.”

How else to describe something so... silent? There wasn't even a blank outline to show what might have been missing. Except it was only other people who called it something missing. To him it was just another colour of a heart.

“My son.” Kriff, that was a crack for sure. Skin-warm air folded around Luke. He stiffened for a moment, then remembered himself. Still tentative though he knew that he could touch Anakin's Force-manifested form, he lifted his arms to fold around his father's shoulders. Even without the looming face of Vader's armour, Anakin stood taller than Luke, almost twenty centimetres, enough to make Luke feel like a Padawan under a Master's watchful gaze. Yoda had commanded a presence of his own once he admitted to being a Jedi Master, but Anakin's frame demanded immediate notice.

“I know that pain, Luke.” Anakin sighed over the back of Luke's head. “I thought it was temporary. When I met your mother again...”

“But when you were younger...”

“One of many things the other Padawans mocked me for.” He sighed. Around him, the Force dimmed like the muted voices in a temple, or at a graveyard, though not so dire. “Attachment was forbidden, but youth of that age... the thoughts were always there. For most.”

Luke nodded as they stepped apart. Perhaps... this could be the conversation he should have had with Owen and Beru. But he hadn't had the understanding nor the words to explain it when he'd lived with them. “I've met those who... need emotional attachment to experience that sort of desire.” He put a hand on a tree branch just below shoulder level, just to give him some balance in the dark. Anakin nodded slowly as he turned the words over, gaze turned aside until he broke a smile and looked up to meet Luke's gaze with glittering eyes.

“Perhaps that's what it is. Once I joined the Order I was... cautious.” He shook his head, though the smile stayed. “I... I couldn't risk being close to anyone.”

“But it was too late to do anything about your feelings for our mother?” Luke had to smile. His heart fluttered, like it had expected nervous palpitations and didn't know what to do now the expected tension hadn't arisen.

“Indeed.” He nodded, slow and measured as he moved his hands behind his back. “It was... more than I knew how to deal with safely.”

Luke's smile sank to wry, bittersweet amusement. He knew how that one ended. “I think you'd have been happy, had the situation been better.”

“I hope she would have been.” Anakin sighed. In death the Force turned sighs into breezes that ran through the flesh, a chill as deep as Hoth's, fleeting and soft as it was. Luke blinked. What was Anakin not saying?

As if he sensed the question forming in Luke's closed mouth, Anakin looked up and forced another smile. “She loved several people before me. It was hard to believe that she'd never love another, at times...” He broke off and sighed. Luke shivered. “Sidious used that... planted doubts. If I'd known there were... so many different ways for people to love...”

“Perhaps it would have been easier to trust her.” Luke nodded. He knew this story too. It had been told so many times by so many people – so many _gone_.

Anakin nodded, eyes closing for a moment. Did he ever shed tears now? Luke had watched him bite back sadness in other conversations, muttering 'watch your water' under his breath like a childhood mantra he could only hear in someone else's voice.

“It's late. You should be heading to your bed.” But the words weren't an order. Anakin put one forward to put a hand on Luke's shoulder. “Your own weariness, my son... there is nothing to give you reprieve from that?”

“Patience.” Luke shrugged, the motion half arrested on his right side by his father's blue-glowing hand. “It fades. I don't need anything from other people that I don't have. These frustrating times are not...” He shook his head. His tongue fumbled the words just before they left his mouth. “They're not the measure of my heart.”

“Don't push it aside for my sake, Luke.” Anakin sighed and looked down at the ground between them. “If I could have been there when you were younger...”

“Father, I'm fine.” Luke cracked a smile as he let go of the tree. He could make out the trees and their branches. He could make it back without relying on the flickers of the Force showing him the way through the trees, though it'd take him a while to pick his way through. “The trouble is that sometimes it feels lonely to be this way. If you understand...”

A gusting half-laugh made the Force quiver warm as Anakin looked up, eyes glowing. “I think I see. You're safe for a few days yet. Take care of yourself, my son.”

Luke nodded. “Thank you, Father.”

Anakin bowed his head and stepped back. He never vanished while Luke was still looking. Luke turned his head towards the thin golden gleam of the palace in the night and took a few tentative steps, eyes and Force-sense seeking purchase in the darkness.

The emptiness would come again. But its edges felt less sharp now. He glanced back at the clearing. Anakin had vanished, though something more than trees and small animals shone in the Force, a blinding presence that made Luke blink though his eyes had nothing to do with it.

Well, sight alone would take him back to the palace and his rooms. Rest now would do the rest of what his father's understanding had begun, at least for a few days, and then he'd be away for a while, just him and Shara following the trail. He'd weather this too. The brightness in the Force put a mellow calm in his head as he picked his way between trees and bushes towards the doors of the palace. Now he just had to hope he didn't disturb anyone who was working late. Or up late for other reasons.

**Author's Note:**

> Considering that it's only about the length of a SAS chapter, many of which were knocked out over the space of a couple of days (if not one day), this took forever to write. For some reason actually thinking about how to describe aroaceness is really hard, especially when I for some reason decided to avoid standard a-spec community language in English-speaking online communities. There's still something a little overly dramatic to me about referring to sexual/romantic attraction using the word 'desire'. Although to be fair I am half-convinced that I have waxed overly poetic about everything in this piece.


End file.
